I got some kind of problem now because I swore to never hate who I am on the inside, and I'm starting to. I hate how I can sense things. I hate how I can predict shit just by looking at other signs. Yeah, it makes me feel smart but I end up hurting myself.
I hate how when I'm depressed, it feels like the world is just crashing down on top of me and I always feel the need to do something stupid. The only upside to that is that I don't ever do it.. I hate how I'm not that strong anymore. Only a little bit - strong enough to still stand. I don't know what happened to me. I only know when, but I don't know why. I can't stand how I lose sleep just because there's so many thoughts on my mind and it's only bad thoughts when I lose sleep. With good thoughts.. I sleep like a baby!
But anyways, it's like I don't wanna be this person anymore. I miss the other side of me, the best side of me, the real side of me but she's fading, you know? I'm suprised I don't think, "Damn, do I need therapy?" "Do I need to see a damn shrink?" Naw! No use spendin' more money I worked hard for to tell my "problems" to somebody that doesn't know shit about me. I'm scared being this way is gonna push people away without me literally pushing them. Scared I'm gonna appear unattractive this way.
I don't wanna cry anymore. I don't wanna hurt anymore. It all has me screaming, "WHAT THE FUHHH?!" I thought I was over being like this.. It ain't everyday, but only when I get down & out. When I get down & out, I feel like a fucking mess, like the world is on pause for the wrong reasons.
Idk, I'm done bitching (for now).
I'm off to bed. Paayce.
"Sometimes it's hard to breathe. Just knowing you found me."
* Jennifer! <3
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